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| What you Did | Her Sign Element | What She Said | What She Meant | What to Do |
| Forgot or ignored birthday, anniversary or Valentine's Day | Fire | How could you possibly forget something like that! | You really hurt my feelings. | Flowers. Lots of them. |
| Earth | <Probably nothing but a glare, but she's thinking you're a total idiot.> | You really hurt my feelings. | Something that sparkles. (Jewelry, butthead, not a fishing lure). | |
| Air | How could you do that? How many times do I have to remind you? Don't you ever listen to me? Do I ever do that to you? I don't understand how you could forget something so important! | You really hurt my feelings. | Dinner in nice restaurant (Hint: She can't talk as much when she's eating.) | |
| Water | <Sob, sob, sniffle, sniff, sob> | You really hurt my feelings. | Hold her (remember this doesn't mean "let's have sex"), then go shopping for new clothes. (For her, idiot, and NOT a sporting goods store unless it's her idea.) | |
| Hour late for dinner date | Fire | Where the hell have you been?! | I'm starving! Where could you have possibly been that was more important than being with me? | Arrive with peace offering, e.g. flowers. |
| Earth | <Nothing but a glare> | You're 61 minutes and 38 seconds late, dumbass. What am I doing with such an inconsiderate clod? | Admit you're an idiot and take her to a nicer place than originally planned, i.e. spend more money. Be sure to get an expensive bottle of wine w/dinner and tell her how beautiful she is. | |
| Air | Hey, you're here already! | <She just barely finished getting ready.> | Kiss her nice and long and soft and have a nice evening. | |
| Water | <Sob, sniff> I've been waiting for you for hours! | I feel totally neglected and unloved. He's going to pay for this in spades. | Hold her (remember, this isn't the same as sex), then make sure the evening's even more special than planned. Whoops, I forgot, you're a guy and don't know what that means. Okay, take her to a really nice restaurant, then rent a movie, preferably a romantic comedy. You know, one of those foo-foo flicks with Meg Ryan or Reese Witherspoon. Hold her hand the whole time, except maybe when you're eating. | |
| Forgot to call all week | Fire | Who is this again? | Don't expect me to sit around and wait on you, buster. Who wouldn't want to be with me? | Ask if you can come over; bring flowers and a bottle of wine. Skip the movie, it would be better to concentrate on her. She needs attention, not competition from the TV. In other words, don't even go near that remote control, even if she has cable and you don't. Suck it up this time, buddy. It'll be worth it. |
| Earth | So. What's going on? | So you finally decided to call, jerk. This better be good or you're history. | Ask if you can come over and bring a movie, preferably something with some depth like Troy, King Arthur, Tristan and Isolde, stuff like that. Has blood and guts for you and a romantic element for her. Be sure to hold her hand, especially during the romantic parts. Better yet, look at her during those scenes since you probably don't want to watch that mushy stuff anyway. Note that this simple gesture might pay off in spades for you. | |
| Air | (No problem. She'd call you.) | Don't even think about ignoring me! | Smile a lot. Include lots of eye contact and act interested while she tells you everything she did last week. | |
| Water | Why haven't you called me? What did I do wrong? | How could he do this to me? This really calls for a major guilt trip! | Ask if you can come over; bring Chinese takeout and a bottle of wine. | |
| Canceled date to play poker and drink beer with the guys. | Fire | How could you? Man, are you cut off, buddy! | Why didn't you invite me? I love poker! | Arrange the next poker party at her house. Expect to lose lots of money, but it will be worth it. You'll probably have to supply the beer. |
| Earth | <Glassy-eyed glare> | You think I'm no fun. Fine. Time to find either a new hobby or another man. | Take her fishing. Bring champagne or white wine instead of beer. It might not hurt to bring a blanket. ;-) | |
| Air | Why on earth would you do that? You told me we had a date. Why would you rather be with your friends than me? What's so appealing about sitting around in a smoky room and farting all night? What's the matter with you? | I can't believe you broke our date for something so stupid! We always have so much fun together! | Help her plan a party at her place. "Help" probably means your checkbook since she'll already know how to plan a party and a good one. | |
| Water | <Sob, sob, sniffle, sniff, sob> | I can't believe you'd rather be with them than me! Don't you know how much I need you? | Hold her, (remember, not synonymous w/sex) then take her to play pool. Make sure you put your arms around her a lot and take your time showing her how to make those bank shots. | |
| You have no idea whatsoever. | Fire | How could you do this to me? | I don't understand why you don't think about me 24/7. I need more attention! | Tell her how beautiful she is and that you want to show her off somewhere. Dancing is good. |
| Earth | <Nothing but a glare> | You don't care about me at all or I wouldn't have to tell you all the time what I want. By now you should be able to read my mind. | Hold her and ask her what's wrong. (Note that "holding" does not mean sex.) When she doesn't answer, take her to your favorite restaurant and then rent a video. See movie suggestions above for Earth girls. | |
| Air | You know, I really get sick of this. I thought we talked about this and you said you wouldn't do that again. Why can't I count on you? Why don't you care about me as much as I care about you? | I expect you to remember everything I say and do everything you say you'll do, no exceptions. | Resistance is futile. Take her to a movie, a serious one where the characters have REAL problems, like a disaster flick. (Hint: Her talking will be minimized in a movie. Note I said TAKE HER TO A MOVIE, not rent a video!) | |
| Water | <Sob, sob, sniffle, sniff, sob> | You don't love me! If you did you wouldn't be such an ass! | Hold her for at least 5 minutes (behave yourself, buster), then take her out for a nice dinner. | |